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April 22, 2010

Rainy Day Doldrums

It's been raining for 2 days straight now.  I am not a cloudy day person, I need my sun!  Plus, I've been in a bit of a slump lately.  I'm not sure why sometimes it seems nothing is going right and life is just plain hard.  I believe this is a valley, Biblically speaking.  C has been struggling at school again, just after having weeks of mostly great days.  It could be due to the approach of summer and the end of school since it seems all students seem to catch a form of "senior-itis", regardless of grade.  I just don't know and he really can't communicate what prompts him to act out, so we are at a loss here.  What makes it frustrating is the fact that he has already been held back a year and we just don't have that option going forward...he has to start kindergarten sometime!  This is where faith comes in, and I just need to trust God that all will work out in the end....which is hard to do when in a valley. *sigh*

I also am realizing just what "terrible two's" means.  That phrase does not do it justice.  It should be the "demonic two's"  or "psycho two's", seriously.  How a child can sit in one spot, having nothing change around her, and run the gamut of happy, sad, mad, and furious (in under a minute) confounds me.  All I can do is stare at her and wait for the next wave to hit.  I've quit trying to figure out how to appease her (perhaps this is how Tom feels with me from time to dum dum) and just pray that this goes as quickly as it came.

Then there is this restlessness bubbling up inside of me.  Over the years, whenever I've felt this way, I would make a dramatic change.  I would either move, quit my job, or cut my hair in some dramatic fashion.  But now, now I feel trapped.  I can't just up and move, I have a family it would impact.  Tom's business is here so leaving Colorado is not an option...ever.  We can't sell our house and buy a bigger one until we have finances better controlled and our house actually has some equity.  I have no job to quit and, even though I've been dusting off my resume, there are barely any kitchen design opportunities out there right now.  I could cut my hair, but I have yet (in the 6.5 years I've lived here) to find someone I trust to cut my hair that dramatically.  So, I'm trapped.  I want to search for another church, but Tom is pretty much dedicated to the one we attend and the kids seem to like it well enough.  I'm not happy there, but I'm only 25% of the vote.  I'm sure this is just part of the doldrums, but I am frustrated with attending churches where the senior pastor has just left.  I seem to somehow get stuck in the tractor beam of  those churches, as this is literally the fourth church in like 10 years where there is major upheaval.  Over it!

So, I am going to dedicate this summer to ME.  I am going to not focus on anything but getting my poo together and making some serious changes.  I quit facebook since it literally wastes too much time and frankly gets a bit annoying.  I am going to play & exercise outside more, finally get serious about dieting, and focus on how to be a Godly wife and mother.  Hopefully doing those few things will make it a productive summer and allow me to find pleasure and satisfaction in the things I cannot change.  We'll see.  I'll keep you posted. ;)

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